Rainy Season.

Being Married to God doesn't mean we have less fights than a normal married couple. I def want to throw my cell phone at him and tell him he is wrong. I want to shove him and tell him that he doesn't love me enough and that I need more. I think I've even cussed at God before. wait... yep... I did. and You know what? Tonight I was in the gym working out listening to dumb pop songs on my Ipod. And I put on some Christian Rap Music. One of the songs was talking about his time when he hung on the cross. It was so graphically defining what he went through for me. And I felt like that song was pumping my whole body so full of light that I could just burst! I seriously thought, "Oh man, I'm going to burst." Anyway, I realize that whatever I'm going through.... whatever rainy season.... whatever time that I can't handle.... whatever heart break, misunderstanding, wrong conclusions, whatever storms and upsets, CHRIST STILL RADIATES BECAUSE HIS LOVE IS RADICAL. What he did for me on the cross-- if I just think about that--- then I will have no doubt that he loves me.... So I can put my cell phone away, and my angered arms that want to shove him, and my harmful mean words, and instead I can just cry to him about everything that is wrong in life...... and here is the thing....

whether I want to shove him or cry on him..... he's still holding me. Kinda odd isn't it? My anger toward him doesn't weaken his love for me or his desire for me to grow, know, and fuse my life with him.

Anyways..... it doesn't matter what I'm going through. On rainy days his love still shines.

Here is the verse I can't get off my heart--- Ezekiel 1:28 Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.

Yes. if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself (2 Timothy 2:13).

As Fabulous As This

Just some thoughts... I got to writing....

I'm really not concerned I know God is the hero of my day
and as long as I'm surrendered I know God will have his way,
I'm certain that he's holding my future in his hands
I don't have to try and create my own destiny or plans.
And it feel good to know that he's totally in control
and he will return the good things the enemy once stole
and I don't have to worry about tomorrow because it's his!
can you tell me, can you find another lover is as fabulous as this?
what other friend would sit by my side all night?
what other father would always know what's right?
And what other God could love me the way that he does?
And manytimes he blesses me for no real reason, just because.
So, when life gets a mess and I strive to know the path
I just look in his eyes and my heart starts to laugh
laughter of joy because I know that he is so good!
laughter of peace because I know that he has stood
next to me forever-- he's in my future and my past
Could there be a better lover? For what more could I ask?!
He's never given up on me, and he's held me in my pain
and he's always come to save me even when I couldn't speak his name.
He has heard my heart though the loudest storms that rage
and he released me from my prison, yes he broke open the cage.
and so I can not worry . I cannot dread. I cannot fear.
for when I feel frightrened, I remember God is near.
and I don't have to plan out each second of my life
I am content being God's best friend, being God's holy wife.
and even if I cannot see all the wonderful sights I wish.
I still say God's enough for me. Can I find another as fabulous as this?

Very Sad, Really

This morning in church the Pastor spoke about the people of Israel asking God for a King. Samuel said that God didn't want them to have a King. But they demanded that they get a King. So God gave into their wants. It really clung with me. And I went off, taught the teens, and went home.

I finally decided to grab a quick nap before the youth event that would take place at 4:30, but as I lay in bed, my heart began to talk to God. I began to tell God what I wanted and I said, "Lord I want....." And it was so weird b/c just as you would hear your own voice, I heard the people of Israel asking God for a King. I WAS ASKING GOD FOR SOMETHING HE ALREADY TOLD ME NO ON!!! I didn't realize. How long have I asked him for something that I know, for a fact, he told me to wait on?! That's not okay. Because that says something about who I believe God to be.

God wants to be my complete. God wants to be my one and only. God wants to be my everything.

And by asking him for something when he said I didn't need it, and he said he was enough, I'm essentially saying,

"Lord, I don't think you are enough."

I've never been so heartbroken. There I am, trying to sleep, and all I can do is say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.... " And I don't know how many times I said, "I'm sorry." I said it until I felt like maybe for each month of my life an "I'm sorry" was covered. If I had time to say "I'm sorry" for each moment I've ever asked for something in order to complete me, I would do it. I would take the time to do it.

I make a lot of mistakes. But I think the biggest mistake ever would be not letting God just be my completer, my fullness, my entirety.

I know that he loves me so much that how dare I tell God what I need. How dare I act like God isn't doing his job well enough that I tell him what he should be doing in my life. He's perfect! He's love! He's beautiful! And I, told God, how to, make me, happy.

Very sad, really.

I really really really love Jesus. Today was a really really really hard day though. And I was faced with a teen who I had to look in his eyes and tell him the hard truth about people who don't know Christ. It's hard for him to understand how a loving God could send good people to hell. And it's never been so hard in all my life to stand next to my faith. I care about him, and I wanted so bad to be able to hug him and make him feel good about his concept. But I couldn't. And it hurt really bad. And he kept looking at me like, "Please just back me on this." And I finally said, "Listen. Jesus is the only way." And he basically said, "I don't know about that."

This teen has grown up in the church. I know I'm his youth leader but I'm also a sister and friend to him. And he's always been solid in his faith. And it hurt my heart so bad to hear him not take the side of Christ.

His dad called me and we talked for a long time and I said, "Listen, I can't tell him I agree with him if it's not scriptural." His dad agreed with me. It made me feel good.

But it was really difficult for me to watch him be so upset. And the truth is-- he should be upset. He should be upset that good people will have to go to hell. That should upset him! But that is also what should be the fire to push him forward to tell people about Christ's love. If you're reading this please pray for him this week that he will be filled with the correct, biblical knowledge of God.. He's a really great guy.

There's so much more I want to say right now. But I don't even know how to put all of it into words. I'm just faced over and over again with life's mishaps and have to climb back into my father's lap again. There is so much that I want. But there is so much that I don't need and God truely does want to fill me, complete me, and be my only.

This week has also been difficult dealing with some family issues. I just don't even know what to say. I just wish I had someone to come and hold me and pray for me and just tell me everything is fine. I get weary in the battle too. And right now, I'm so tired of fighting. I just don't want to fight anymore. And I know God wins my battles. But I just want this to be over.

I'm tempted to say I hate life. But we are taught that is a bad thing to say. So, I'll say this instead---

Lord, please just take me home. As quickly as possible. I want to make an impact for you, but I want to go home. I'm torn Lord. I'm torn between here and there--heaven and earth. I'll stay here to further your love and glory. But my heart will always ache for you.

Swept Over

I feel like God has been clinging to me. I can't explain that really. All I know is that he's so close that it's like he's almost more desperate for me, than I am for him! But, he is my husband. And the husband does pursue the wife. And i know that he pursued me his fullest when he was on the cross dying for me, but it feels amazing to experience the nearness of his love.

His love brings me to a place of total surrender. Because I trust his love for me. And he loves me with an everlasting love.

He's been giving me new prayers to pray for people. Prayer that I couldn't pray in my human "power." It's amazing to watch him ignite fire in me.

And I must say that I know I've fallen in love with the Lord, because I've grown in my obedience to him. That is the ultimate way to love the Lord. I know it sounds dumb, but I'm actually really proud of the way I've pursed God in my life. I'm not trying to be prideful. But, I'm glad that I took the narrow path-- feeling God's presence this close is worth it all!

it's really amazing to watch him pull me into his arms, and surround me. Psalm 42:7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

yes, you've swept over me.
and it's been the best thing that's ever happened.

on a different note. Tonight I spent some time at the church again. I love the Lord. I love his house. I love the feeling of being in a church by myself. I could live in a church! fo sho.

anyways, I don't have much other to say except that I wanted to record that I've been experiencing God, and he's been drawing me, holding me, and helping me live just like he wants me to. What a great friend!!!! Amen?! :)

Dim-lit

Tonight I went to the church by myself, and I sat down and slid my fingers over the piano in the big empty dim-lit sanctuary. I wanted to write a new song to the King who I've know since I've been five. But the only line that I could even write is "Who knew a love like this could exist? A love that is jealous, marvelous, and unending, A love that is unyielding."

and the only reason I couldn't finish the song is because somehow I was worried that someone else was in the church and they would hear my anthem to the Lord. There is something about getting ALONE all ALONE with the one your heart loves. For example, I can't even fully pray when other people are in the house. I need everyone gone so I can say what I want.

I think it would be marvelous to have a place far away, far and safe, that I could just go and nobody else but me and God and that would be our spot. I found a place a while back, but I didn't feel safe. I'm really careful about my whereabouts.

I drive at night because I can talk outloud to God and I know it's just me and him.

I don't know what I'm saying except my favorite place in the world is alone with my lover, in a dim-lit place, with a piano or guitar on my fingertips, words on my voice, and a new song that makes God feel loved.

How coool to make Jesus feel loved. After all he did for me?! I feel honored to make him feel loved.

Because Gandhi said....

Gandhi said "“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

It's sad that Gandhi never encountered a christian that was as loving as Christ. Gandhi was a great man. He did great things. It's sad that no one showed him a Great, Loving God.

I don't know. it's quotes like this that make my soul quiver.

Could you imagine standing at the gates of heaven with people you knew on earth and they stated, "Well, I liked your Christ. But you were so unlike your Christ that I thought his love wasn't possible." OUCH.

Each human life counts. Gandhi counted! we can examine how we live just because of what he said. If he felt that way, probably others feel that was as well. I don't want to provoke people leave behind the love of Christ b/c they couldn't see it in me.

I ramble. But, I'll relent. So I can go work on myself.

Another Imperfection

Today the enemy of my soul got in my face. And he verbally explained all the reason I should be upset with God, upset with life, and upset about where I am in life. He told me I wasn't pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, wise enough, and even lovable enough.

obviously if someone's name is LIAR then that is exactly what they are. But despite all those lies, there is one lie he can always get me with. And lie I will not disclose because it is personal. However, I was thinking that lie had to come from somewhere. There is a reason why I'd believe a lie over and over again... and the reason is b/c it has to do with my own mindset.

and my mindset has been--- that I'm upset with God about something. I think I've been upset for a long time. I think part of the problem is that I haven't seen God be faithful in one aspect of my life. And in that aspect I must chooooooseeeee to believe that he is who he says he is, and that God is faithful. That is hard. I had to tell the LOVE OF MY LIFE that I don't fully trust him and that's isn't easy to say to someone you are madly in love with. But alas, it's true.

anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I didn't realize that I had a problem with some of God's choices in my life. I'm disappointed and hurt. But, I guess that shouldn't matter.... I have to live by faith and not by sight. I just want to know that he has something good for me.... and it's hard to believe. WHICH IT SHOULDN'T BE!!!!!!!! BECAUSE HE'S DONE SO MUCH FOR ME!!!!!!!!

I always told God that if I could stamp one name on his forehead it would be the word "Faithful" and one of my favorite verses is Rev. 19:11 which states, "I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war."


anyways, I say all that to say that there are different aspects of our lives. and it's not easy to put trust in God sometimes. especially when we haven't seen him move--- AT ALL. but he's true, and faithful, and good. and that is what I have to believe. despite how i feel or the enemies lies.

but I cried for a long time about it.... literally cried. like tears. and I think he cried with me.

thinking ahead

hmmmm i have a toss up right now between arequipa and columbia and cusco. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm okay. prayer! :) oh and... I know for sure Columbia is on the menu so... I guess I have to make a choice between quipa and cusco. for mid summer. we'll see. I want to see the orphans in Arequipa, but I've never been to cusco. so... it's nice to plant new seeds, but it's nice to water the seeds you already planted.

My goal is to go to three new countries this year. Going to peru is not new, but it's good. I want to. And so.... I need two more places! :) I'll prob end up doing longer term missions in the future. But God hasn't given me clear direction on that yet. So, I'll wait on him some more. I don't want to step in front. He's my leader.

Anyway, I love how powerfully God is revealing himself to me. It's like I'm never alone--- in a good way.

I had a dream last night about God walking into a room and all his children were babies. I was looking on and could see myself but I was only a small child, and God scooped me up in his arms and placed me against his chest, and I put my head on his body. And as I watched myself being cradled in his arms, I thought "wow. that is the only place I'll be satisfied. Ever." The dream continued and it was wonderful to see how perfectly I fit in his palms.

I believe that in real life. I think he holds me even though I can't feel it. I'm choosing to believe it, because I know that he loves me.

on another note, I was playing the piano today and singing.... and realized how much I long for someone to worship with! I love worship!!!!! And it's difficult b/c I feel like I don't the worship time in I need every week. I have to make a point to do that.

anyway, I ramble when I'm tired. Going to bed.

if you're reading this--- God loves you a lot. You shouldn't ever doubt that.

much love.

Cover for my book / needed a hug

I got the cover of my book tonight. :) :) :) :) Oh man, I freaked out. Pretty much. when I say freaked out I mean that I flippin' called all my friends and screamed. I love it! I can't wait to see it in print. It was like God knew what I was thinking in my head, and he whispered it into the designer's ears. It makes me think of that song, "How he loves us." And that He loves me even in the simple ways. He lets me know that he knows my heart, my mind, and my desires.

God proved himself to be close. And that was all I wanted. It was like he reached down out of heaven and hugged me really hard, cause he knew I needed a hug.

How could I NOT trust God when he's proved himself to be the Jehovah-Jireh (The lord who provides and is seen) so many times?!

THE INBETWEEN MOMENTS

Lord? Can I be all yours? you're the only one that fills me till I'm no longer lonely.

Lord? Will you forgive me? for walking away when I know that you're all I want only.

I turned 25 like two weeks ago, and yet feel like I've done nothing.
I've been to 11 countries. I've written three books. Two were published. I've graduated with an English Degree and Minored in theology and greek. I spent a year doing missions. BUT HERE'S THE DEAL:

I'M NOT GETTING A CROWN FOR ANY OF THAT!

I'M GETTING A CROWN FOR WHAT I DID IN THE INBETWEEN MOMENTS.

WAS I LOVE? WAS I LOVE? WAS I KIND? WAS I KIND?
HOW DID I TREAT MY FAMILY WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING?
HOW DID I TREAT PEOPLE AT WORK WHEN THEY NEEDED ME?
HOW DID I TREAT THE MAN ON THE STREET WHO NEEDED A DRINK?
HOW DID I TREAT SOMEONE WHO FELT LONELY?
HOW DID I TREAT THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW JESUS?
WHO DID I TELL ABOUT JESUS?!?!?!?!
WAS I LOVE? WAS I LOVE? WAS I KIND? WAS I KIND?

And so it comes to this... Yesterday I told God that the first thing I want to know when I see him is what made him the happinest when I was on earth. WHAT MOMENT, LORD?! WHAT MOMENT MADE YOU SMILE THE MOST?!

But then I realized....... I CAN'T WAIT ...... to know that fact. I need to know it now. and whatever it is............. I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT EVERYDAY.

But Check it: When I get to heaven God isn't going to say.... Janell---- you "wrote tons of books, traveled the world, had a good degree..."

He'd say something like, "Janell.... you wrote a book, and you did it faithfully, and your fingers hurt, but you wanted to reach people for me.... But Janell, sometimes you had a bad attitude about it..... Janell...... I love that you wrote for me.... I love more that you wanted to write for me. Janell..... YOu traveled the world, but Janell, I'm more proud of you because you talked about my love everywhere you went! But, Janell.... you counted the big things..... I COUNT THE SMALL...... THE INBETWEEN MOMENTS."

moving back to my main point-- living for God is not about the over all big sucesses we do. you can do missions for two years, and if you do with a bad attitude, what joy will you find in that? what joy will God find in that?

The inbetween moments, are where you make your legacy. that's the place where you make God smile. that's the dessert that you have to maintain your strength.

MAYBE YOU FEEL LIKE I. MAYBE YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF STUFF...... BUT YOU KNOW IT'S NOT ENOUGH..... GOD WANTS YOU TO LIVE INBETWEEN MOMENTS. Pride creeps in when you think you've done something of such greatness that you can have a bad attitude! NOT TRUE. Your entire life is more about your attitude.

Just thoughts.... just thoughts.....

Bible Study I made for the youth

First of all, I blindfolded all of them, and then I made them all smell a lot of different items. They had to guess what each one was. There was VERY good and VERY bad. Then whoever got the most items right one a candybar of their choice :) The Lesson was about how God has to smell the aroma of our lives....... Here it is....

week 2

Aroma

Theme verse: 2 Corinthians 2:14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere.

Which item you sampled smelled the worse? __________________.
Which was the best? ____________________.

Let’s Consider: What if God was blind folded? How do you think the smell of your walk with him would be? Do you think it would make him cringe? Or do you think he would desire to take another whiff of your living? How does it make you feel to know that God can smell the aroma of your life?

Just as perfume has different ingredients, different aspects of your life act like ingredients to the overall fume your life exudes.

One of the main ingrediants are the words we choose:

Words: One of the first things on the forefront of God’s mind was speech. When God gave the Ten Commandments some of them had to do with speech. Look up Exodus 20. How many have to do with the way we use our words? Which commandments are they?

What does Proverbs 22:11 say is an attribute God loves to hear in our speech? __________ How would that look played out in our lives? ______________ And what does that verse say we become when we use that attribute? __________________

Wonderfully, God calls us his friend. And when we hang around our friends, we begin to talk like they talk. Check your life--- do you sound more like your earthly friends? Or do you sound like God?

Isaiah 36:5 says You say you have counsel and might for war—but you speak only empty words…. What do you think it means to have “empty words”? _______________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________.

Words are 1. Expressions 2. Reponses 3. Subject matters 4. Meanings (The “OH” moment) How many different ways can you say the word “Oh”? And it changes the meaning?

Look up Psalm 37:30. Proverbs 16:13. 1 Peter 3:10.

For other people’s Benefit
How is using appropriate language revealing of God in our lives?
Do you think that people can tell a difference in your speech?
What do you think it would tell them if you talk the same way they did?

It’s not just about the words we use in front of people. God knows the words we mumble under our breath.

Hebrews 4:13 says Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Taking a good look at your overall life, what would the fragrance be? After you intermingled all the different aspects of your living, what type of smell do you think God would breathe?
Pretend that you have cologne or perfume that was made up of your life, what do you think it would smell like? What do you think God would name it?

Remember, when someone is spiritually dying their spirits will give off a smell of disintegration. Be a speaker of life this week! Let God have total control of your words. In Isaiah 51:16 God says, “I have put all my words in your mouth…” God has given you the words! It’s your choice to use them!!

Verse to Remember:

Colossians 3:5-10 5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Prayer of surrender:

Dear Lord, thank you for the gift of being able to speak. I pray that this week I will give my choice of words to you so that you will be glorified. Help me to maintain a right heart, right response, right expressions, and to talk about things that are edifying to you. "May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer" (Psalm 19:14). In Jesus name, Amen.

wrote this. it makes sense to me. only me. probably.

Stolen.

The sunset stole you.

And I cried out in myself about your going.

But the sunset consoled me.

And you cried out about me forgetting to miss you.

The sunset broke us.

And we cried because we wanted to be each other's

but the sunset won.

because it was more beautiful than our love.

and the sunset saved us

preoccupied our longing heart

yet the sunset brought us back together

because I found you, watching the Son I was watching.

And he was brighter than the sunset that broke us.

And that's what made us close.

The sunset stole you

and the Son returned you.

The man.

One of my main goals in life is that when God does send that right person into my life. He MUST push me INTO God. I want someone who provokes my Spirit man to go be with Jesus and fall in love with him way more than I ever thought humanly possible. I'm just saying, I've liked guys that have pulled me away from spending time with God, and I feel like.... if that's what's going to happen-- I'd rather not have him at all.

Like, I want to wake up in the middle of night and pray with my husband for the nations. I want him to know that above all things, we serve God only. I want him to realize that without God as the CENTRAL BEING in our relationship, we. are. nothing.

Anyways, I don't know why I'm thinking about this. Probably b/c I just got off the phone with a friend who is dating someone that isn't helping her pursue the Lord.

I haven't been on a date in almost 2 years. And I'm SOOOOO OKAY with that. I don't care what everyone says, I don't care that people try to hook me up with guys who are hott but have no character. I don't want to be a woman who gives all she has to someone who doesn't even know the VOICE OF THE LORD.

That is sooooo vital for me to know that my husband can hear God speaking. ANd I want him to trust that my relationship with God is so passionate that no kiss he gives me could steal me away from my time with the Father.

First of all---- I WAS CREATED TO LOVE CHRIST. I WAS CREATED TO LOVE HIM ALONE. I WAS CREATED TO BE HIS PARTNER, HIS BEST FRIEND, HIS LOVER. I WAS CREATED TO SIT AND TALK WITH HIM FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

And therefore, that is what I strive to be---- GOD'S. BEST. GAL.

and it doesn't even matter what everybody thinks about me. I love the Lord. and that's it! And I know I'm not perfect, and some guys have gotten the wrong impression of me, but whatever it is that they've seen-- I hope it's been a Godly character and a Godly woman.

I know that I will become like those I hang around. And that's why I talk about my husband... I'm going to hang around him for the ReST OF MY LIFE--- and I want to make sure that as we spend time together, we are provoking eachother to know Christ.... I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST.

CHRIST, HELP ME KNOW YOU. ALONE.


Okay.

It's like this:

If he doesn't love Jesus more than he loves me. than I don't want him at all.

The moments :)

2010:
A lot happened I suppose. Here are some things:
Good things:

1. Graduated! With my English writing degree!!!! That was hard work for sure.
2. Finally took a Swing Dance class and LOVED IT! I had the best partner in the world.
3. Finished writing two more books, had one of them published
4. Met a few of the most amazing people known to mankind
5. Gained a second mom
6. Had the privilege of leading people to Jesus
7. I have a new friend/sis I mentor to Christ!!!
8. My friend I lived with in Switzerland came to see me!!!!
9. Kissed an orphan
10. Saw the ocean
11. Had Lasik!!! Perfect vision yo!
12. Found out how beautiful God thinks I’ve always been
13. Found out that God can do anything
14. Traveled to Peru

New things:
1. Ate cui
2. Ate eel
3. Ate fish eggs raw
4. Had my first actual dance partner J !!!!
5. Had my first cigarette. And I wanted to DIE. I don’t know what I was thinking. That won’t be happening again. BAD very BAD
6. First time I had a concussion (The accident)
7. First time I lost someone close to me. Aunt Alice. I love you so much. Rest in Peace sweety. I know you loved Jesus more than anybody I knew. And I know that he is holding you in his arms right now. I love you so much!!!!!


There's so much more to add! but I'm tired.