Very Sad, Really

This morning in church the Pastor spoke about the people of Israel asking God for a King. Samuel said that God didn't want them to have a King. But they demanded that they get a King. So God gave into their wants. It really clung with me. And I went off, taught the teens, and went home.

I finally decided to grab a quick nap before the youth event that would take place at 4:30, but as I lay in bed, my heart began to talk to God. I began to tell God what I wanted and I said, "Lord I want....." And it was so weird b/c just as you would hear your own voice, I heard the people of Israel asking God for a King. I WAS ASKING GOD FOR SOMETHING HE ALREADY TOLD ME NO ON!!! I didn't realize. How long have I asked him for something that I know, for a fact, he told me to wait on?! That's not okay. Because that says something about who I believe God to be.

God wants to be my complete. God wants to be my one and only. God wants to be my everything.

And by asking him for something when he said I didn't need it, and he said he was enough, I'm essentially saying,

"Lord, I don't think you are enough."

I've never been so heartbroken. There I am, trying to sleep, and all I can do is say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.... " And I don't know how many times I said, "I'm sorry." I said it until I felt like maybe for each month of my life an "I'm sorry" was covered. If I had time to say "I'm sorry" for each moment I've ever asked for something in order to complete me, I would do it. I would take the time to do it.

I make a lot of mistakes. But I think the biggest mistake ever would be not letting God just be my completer, my fullness, my entirety.

I know that he loves me so much that how dare I tell God what I need. How dare I act like God isn't doing his job well enough that I tell him what he should be doing in my life. He's perfect! He's love! He's beautiful! And I, told God, how to, make me, happy.

Very sad, really.

I really really really love Jesus. Today was a really really really hard day though. And I was faced with a teen who I had to look in his eyes and tell him the hard truth about people who don't know Christ. It's hard for him to understand how a loving God could send good people to hell. And it's never been so hard in all my life to stand next to my faith. I care about him, and I wanted so bad to be able to hug him and make him feel good about his concept. But I couldn't. And it hurt really bad. And he kept looking at me like, "Please just back me on this." And I finally said, "Listen. Jesus is the only way." And he basically said, "I don't know about that."

This teen has grown up in the church. I know I'm his youth leader but I'm also a sister and friend to him. And he's always been solid in his faith. And it hurt my heart so bad to hear him not take the side of Christ.

His dad called me and we talked for a long time and I said, "Listen, I can't tell him I agree with him if it's not scriptural." His dad agreed with me. It made me feel good.

But it was really difficult for me to watch him be so upset. And the truth is-- he should be upset. He should be upset that good people will have to go to hell. That should upset him! But that is also what should be the fire to push him forward to tell people about Christ's love. If you're reading this please pray for him this week that he will be filled with the correct, biblical knowledge of God.. He's a really great guy.

There's so much more I want to say right now. But I don't even know how to put all of it into words. I'm just faced over and over again with life's mishaps and have to climb back into my father's lap again. There is so much that I want. But there is so much that I don't need and God truely does want to fill me, complete me, and be my only.

This week has also been difficult dealing with some family issues. I just don't even know what to say. I just wish I had someone to come and hold me and pray for me and just tell me everything is fine. I get weary in the battle too. And right now, I'm so tired of fighting. I just don't want to fight anymore. And I know God wins my battles. But I just want this to be over.

I'm tempted to say I hate life. But we are taught that is a bad thing to say. So, I'll say this instead---

Lord, please just take me home. As quickly as possible. I want to make an impact for you, but I want to go home. I'm torn Lord. I'm torn between here and there--heaven and earth. I'll stay here to further your love and glory. But my heart will always ache for you.