"It don't take all that to be a christian man..."

There is a song. I love it. I first heard it in Peru this year and the song kinda got stuck in my heart because the lyrics are so powerful. One of the lines says :

"Even after he rose, man the world ain't changed
They still rejecting the name, still look at us strange
Still tell us without shame that our faith's insane
and, "it don't take all that to be a Christian man"


I think this line sticks with me b/c I live in a world with tons of friends who don't know Jesus. And they proclaim the name of Christ, but they deny it's beautiful power and truths. They want to go club and they want to get drunk, the want to approve of being gay and being a lesbian, they want to cuss their faces raw, they want to do ALL OF THAT and still say, "Well, I know Jesus."

They call me judgemental cause I tell them the way. They tell me I'm weird and call me names. They are my "Friends" but won't listen to the truth I say. I think they keep me around b/c they realize that I'm the light and they need it. but the darkness is to fearful to admit it. The next line of the song goes"

"And it's hard when you tryin' to reach your family and stuff
they say 'man you too spiritual you're doing too much'
so we show them the truth by living the light
so they can glorify God when they look at our lives."

It's so hard when you're trying to reach the people closest to you. I have someone in my family who won't budge on the God thing. I think she knows all about him, but she doesn't let him in her life. And she's horrible. She does horrible things to people, and I can't imagine her having Christ in her. I've received the wrath of her persecution this year. It's SO HARD b/c I want to not love and I want to hate her. but, I can't. I'm nailed to the cross where Jesus died. And I will not get off it, just b/c it would feel better. The ending lyrics to the song are :

"And we win for sharing the truth and hearts get changed
We win if we're rejected because of his name
We win if seeds get planted and watered and grow
But even if we lost, we still be Fanatical though"


I repeat this to myself someones when I just can't live for Christ anymore. When it just gets too hard, when people just get too mean. when life just gets to heavy. And these four lines alone are enough to pick me up. Do you want to know why? Because there is the truth there, that even if I'm a failure in this life, I can still be a fanatic and win in God's eyes.

:) Just some thoughts about persecution. And I think that it's true when God said that in this life we would suffer much. I've never suffered so much in one year before. But, I know God will get the glory. I love him and I want him to get the glory. Even if it's hard for me for a while.

In ending, I want to say that I'm not budging from living for God. My friends might not come to Christianity but I'm certainly not going to the dark. I'm tired of them telling me I'm mean b/c I won't get drunk with them. I'm tired of them telling me I need to go have sex. I'm tired of them preaching scriptures at me out of context. I'm tired of them talking bad about me behind my back. I know that doesn't sound like friends.... but I'm Jesus to them, so even if they stab me I'm going to stand close b/c they need HIM. They go back and forth to loving me and hating me... But I have to remain Love because God is love. And I have to remain like GOD in everything I do.

anyways, this post might not make sense to anyone. But it makes sense to me. It makes sense that I need to vent about it. I wish I had a sister in Christ or a brother in Christ to come pick me up off the ever piercing ground. But I'm in a desert with people who don't care about God. And since that is where God placed me. I WILL LIVE HERE FAITHFULLY UNTIL HE MOVES ME ON. IF I CAN'T BE FAITHFUL HERE, THEN I CAN'T LIVE FOR HIM ANYWHERE. I believe that.

When things get HAZY and CRAZY

I have to believe God holds me when I'm down.
I have to believe he picks me up off the cold, dark ground.
I have to see that he can and will wipe my tears.
I am force to acknowledge that he's been with me for years.

So I'm not giving up hope, even though back things occur
I can stand on his word, and then I am secure!
and his word says that he knows me, his word says he is love
and with those two good things--- he's more than enough!

I have to believe God sees me even when no one can
I have to believe God wants me, and wants to hold my hand.
I have to see that he can fix my struggles, and make my gray skies blue.
I am force to acknowledge that he's my best friend and his grace is always true.

so I'm not giving up trust, even when life hurts so bad
I can stand on his joy, and know that he alone makes me glad.
and his word says he adores me, and his word says he is kind
and that is what I tell myself when my spiritual eyes go blind.

I'm trusting in God's love for me.
I'm trusting in God's love for me.
I'm trusting in God's love for me.


today sucked. it was prettyyyyyyyyyyyyy bad. But, God wins. God always wins and he will get the glory! I love him.

I'm forced to throw up my hands and say "Okay, Lord! Whatever you want-- I'm all yours!" My editor failed me. totally. But, God knows what's right. Today was just really hard dealing with finances and ordinary life mishaps. But I want to say that I LOVE MY BOOK. I love the things God has given me to write. I can't wait for all the missionaries to read it. I can't wait for their hearts, and lives and minds to be filled with JOY and TRUTH and LOVE. Someday, I will have my own office, where I sit and write and pray and cry and just learn of God and teach other's of God. Someday I will have a husband who walks beside me and we will go into all the world proclaiming the name of Jesus! and I will march forth unashamed. I don't care what's happening right now. I determine my eyes to rest on JESUS. HE IS THE AUTHOR OF MY FAITH. And he is my first and only love.

Magnificent Hands

I can't believe God loves a sinner like I,
who fails miserably even though I try.
What a gift-- I can't believe someone of such fame
would turn around and let me bare his name!
And it's extraordinary that he still smiles at me,
acting like it was nothing to set me free.
He gave his flesh, and he poured his blood,
just to show me the full extent of his love.
With all my imperfections he hugs me tight.
He pulls me out of the dark and into his light.
I can't even imagine how I would feel
if his love wasn't true, if his grace wasn't real.
But he is real! And he adores me no matter my faults
he came and broke down all my iniquitous walls!
What a suave Savior, what a powerful friend--
coming so far just to eternally mend
our relationship that was blocked by disgusting sin.
But he conquered the grave; death didn't win!
And even though I know he saves me from my chains
it's easy to focus on past stains.
But he shouts, "I forgave you! Don't forget that you're free!
I didn't hang for nothing on that wooden tree."
So I yield again to his mercy so pure and so white
only God could make all my wrongs right.
And when I feel like God is making mistakes
I look up to see a smile on his face
So I question him for his joy while I fret
and he faithfully reminds me he’s not finished yet.
And if I start to doubt his excellent plans
he reminds me I'm in his magnificent hands.
If he had been so good about saving my life
How much more would he faithfully be by my side?
Why should I worry? Why should I distrust?
He loved me as I was—when I was just dust
So I’m resolving to be a person with faith
Golden faith that enemy can’t steal away.
And my heart pounds and I grow uncontrollably fervent
To hear the words “well done, my good, faithful servant.”

Rap about Persecution

What can I do when someone tries to mess up my life?
They make me feel everyday like I’m crucified

I get it, Lord! I get exactly how it felt
To have the ones you love slash you with a belt.

I get it, Lord! You’ve given me a thorn in my side
To see what I’m like in the fire-- if I’ll give you my life.

You’ve given me a person that says horrible words
I feel like her dinner. I’m getting shot with the birds.

And I understand what it means to walk in faith
Letting the cruel comments slide off what people say.

But it’s not easy! Especially when they are blood!
Those are the ones you’re really supposed to love!

And it’s hard, cause they are mean, and accuse me of wrong
When they know in their hearts I’ve done right all along

So what can I do? I feel put on the spot!
I feel like everyone hates me, like it or not!

It’s hard to see the beauty when everyone is liars
It’s hard to live for Jesus when I’m being strangled with wires

Those wires, are people, who preach Christ in vain
They don’t even care if they bash his name.

And because I carry his name, they bash me too
There is nothing in this earthly world I can do!!

I can’t make them stop, I can’t make them go away
I just have to suck it up, and live with it each day.

But it’s hard because I feel hate after the things they’ve done
It’s hard to feel like they’ve lost and like I’ve won

Cause they’ve affected me, even made me lose a job
One person has enough insults for an entire mob!

And that’s how it feels, I’ve been attacked from each side
And I’ve loved them! I’ve loved them! Well, I sure have tried.

And they get happy feet by putting me in jail,
If my release was a dollar they’d still never pay bail.

Everything they do comes straight from hell,
I call them Satan, cause they know him so well.

My entire heart is broken. I can’t believe what has occurred
I wish I was like Jesus, I wish I could not say a word

But I’ve fought and yelled, and I tried to defend my ways
But they laugh and joke, which turns up the blaze

And the worst part of all, is that some of them are in my family
If they find out anything they use it against me.

They lie to my friends, send absurd emails of spam
Just because they’re angry that I serve the “I Am”

And it hurts so much, that they would try to ruin
Everything in side me, and what God is doin’

And that’s all I have to say. There’s no sweet end
Those people who loved me were only pretend

And I don’t know what to do cause they’re just so unkind
If you knew what I’ve walked through it would blow your mind.

So, I just sit here, and can’t figure it out,
Tears drip down my face cause I’m filled with doubt

And I really wanted to be someone of great faith
But I live in the WORLD that’s why I’m never safe.

They hated Jesus, and people hate me constantly
When my eye's meet God's, we've both hung on a tree.

And that's what I was called to do-- to take up my cross
I didn't realize it would cost me so much.

But the losses I feel are really just gain!
I have heaven in my future. God pours like rain.

I love the Lord, and that won't ever change!
He's my best friend, and I'll die still bearing his name!

Before Judgement

I met this girl. She worked with me and I liked her well enough at first. We seemed to enjoy talking. But then one day she suddenly started to talk about really sexual things. She would say the sickest comments that seemed to stick in my mind for days. I judged her hard core. I thought she was the biggest, nastiest pervert ever. I couldn't believe the things she would say, The things she would ask me about, and the comments she would make. She had no filter at all! They were probably the most graphically, profane comments I've ever heard. So....... I wanted to stay away from her.

One day, we both got stuck working side by side and I thought, "Oh great, now I have to work with this perverted girl." But in the midst of our talking about life, about men, and about relationships. She said, "Why do women always want to be wanted?" I knew that was a opportune moment for me to share the Gospel.

So I started talking about God. I told her that we were all created to desire to be loved and only God can do that in us. I followed all that by saying, "Hey. God loves you. He loves you a lot!"

She glanced at me and said, "No he doesn't! God f**king hates me."

"What?" I replied. "Why? Why do you feel that way?!"

"Everything bad happens to me!" She went on and on for some time about minor things and things that really didn't seem so bad. But then she added, "I was raped by my dad up until I was 18. It started when I was five." She went on to tell me the story of her life.


Her story my friends was the saddest thing I'd ever heard. No wonder she talked the way she did. No wonder she had no idea about what is appropriate and what is not. She was treated horribly. She had been molested for 13 years!!! And no one would stop him. He did unthinkable things to her.

I had no idea that she went through all that. The point is that sometimes we won't understand people.we work with, people we talk to, or people who are perverted. Sometimes they will do things that are terrible, nasty, horrible and down right ungodly. But, you have no idea what they've been through. That's why it's so important to love them and not to judge them. Clearly something in their lives went so badly that it made them act out.

I now know how to love this girl. I can write her letters. Pray for her, and ask God to show her what a Father's love really is. She is one more person I can reach for the Gospel!

But, it served to awaken me. Where would I be if I had gone through that? maybe in the same spot as her. My heart totally broke for her. If you're reading this, please pray that I will have the words to speak to her. Please pray that God will begin to change her heart, Please pray that she will come to understand the Father's love.

Pondering Life

I've been thinking about life a lot lately. And I've been unsatisfied, unappreciative, and unflattered by the horror of life's unfun circumstances. But, I think that's normal. As I question myself about what I want in life, I realize that nothing will really satisfy me. No person, no thing, no calling, no job, no country, no man, no friend, no parent, no siblings, no smiles, no hugs, no nothing..... Nothing in the world could ever be enough to occupy what my heart needs--- and my heart needs my Savior. I think that it's easy to focus on ONLY today and this life, but I don't want just this life on earth. I am looking forward to my walk in heaven. God's arms will be enough for me. Nothing in the world can reach the level of need in my inner being.

Therefore, I'm not looking for mansion built with marble and dresses sparkling with gold, I just want Jesus. I just want heaven. I just want only to know that I've made God proud. I just want laughter that isn't mixed with pain. I want joy unspeakable. I want justice. I want complete uncontaminated peace. I want people to know me for me. I want to see Jesus as he is. I want to look at my Beloved in his face.

Anyways, I guess it's cliche'/ I guess it feels like no one understands/ but all I want is everything that isn't here. Life on earth is unfabulous. Life with God is under-rated. And I see that people don't see how glorious walking with God is.... but when God looks at me I want him to say, "hey Best friend, I know I can rely on you." and my reply is, "Hey, Best friend, can't wait till we spend forever together."

New song I wrote "How Lovely" and a prayer

Psalm 42:7-8 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life....


How Lovely

Verse 1: Lord, you've been like a tower and I've run to you.
You've kept me save, though you didn't have to.
You loved me despite the songs of darkness
I let play in my life.
And then You came to what I called home
You took my heart that was hard like stone
and you loved me despite the songs of doubt
I let play in my life.

But, your mercy didn't stop with a smile
you got up on my cross for a while
and took all my shame to the grave

Chorus: And you rose, to prove yourself strong
you rose, and birthed a new song
that rose, from my heart to your heart.
and you live, I know it, I feel it,
how lovely, to have a God like this.
A God that rose up in the midst
of my battle.

Verse 2: Lord, all the days ordained for me are good
you said if I wanted to find you then I would
and you teach me how to love you despite
the weakness inside my life.
Lord, water from your heart makes me grow
Your promises preserve my life, I know.
and I fall before you despite
the people who laugh at my life.

But your mercy didn't stop with a glance
You're love for me gave me a second chance
and your blood paid for my sins.

Chorus:


Bridge: You're heart is louder than all the enemies advances
You won't even give him any chances
to have me back again.
you are my friend.
and you're rescuing me from the grave, from death!!!
so I can freely praise your name, till I have nothing left!
I do.
I praise you.








Lord,

I don't always know what to say. Sometimes life just strips the energy out of me, and I feel alone, lost, hopeless. But you delight in me, and I know that because you don't let my enemies triumph over me (Psalm 41). Just like you overflowed the baskets of bread and fish, overflow my life! there were so many basket fulls left over!! Lord, do that in my life-- let your power, love and truth be so massive, that when I think I'm out and I'm full, there's more! God, You've stripped me of impurity, even though I'm not perfect. You've been good, glorious, and gentle. Teach me Lord, your plans. the bible says that if we want you we'll find you. I'm searching. for. you. alone.

God I don't know what the plans are. I don't know where you want me to go, what you want me to do, who exactly you want me to be. But, I'm a writer, you gave me fingers, and a heart that loves you. So, I'll write for you. "My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer."

nobody understands me like you do. Or like you can. No one would love me like you do. and no one can. The whole world has gone crazy after everything. But I'm not moving Lord. I'm standing still, holding fast and despite what others say, my eyes are one you. People are cruel, Lord, and sometimes I'm not sure how you could allow such horrible things. But I KNOW YOU. and I know that you have good things prepared and you weep with me, for me, and when I sleep you are still awake.

praise be to you God!!! You are the God who stays awake. I don't shake, my world won't quake, because your truth isn't fake! You're the deepest lake, like an ocean, with no escape, and I'm coming. I'm coming to swim in your life.

Spending time with you is the best. My heart beats through my chest. Yet, I feel total rest. Cause you're the best. the only one I love. you have my entire heart. No one has any of it. they can't. I'm all yours. and that's what you wanted. so that's what you get.

I want to love you like you love me.

I want to be as bright as you.

I want to has a fire that sets the world on fire

Zeal for your house will consume.

Lord, fight my battles. win them. Lord, I need you now.

Authentic Affection

Life is so crazy. Sometimes choices are hard because I'm unsure of God's perfect will, and I get lost in the idea of "Meant to be." I hate that term because I feel like we want to believe that as humans, but them doubt floods in and I start thinking about free will, and how that affects what happens in our lives. And therefore, I get a little confused about some things and I wonder about things that no one would understand anyways. So, I keep it in. And since I only use this blog to talk to myself and remember some things I wrote... I suppose it doesn't matter what I say on here. I wish there was a person who understood me. I thought I found someone like that, but.... people come and go I suppose. and then I'm left with just me and God--- and that is the most beautiful relationship ever! I wouldn't trade it... but, life can be semi-lonely at times. I just want to travel the world with God... that's all I really want. I wrote something this morning. I don't think it makes sense to anyone but me. but I don't have my file to save it... so I'll post it here:



No one defeats me,
when God completes me.
Evil can not attain my life,
When it's hidden in the love of Christ,

and I'm not afraid of radical romance
I'm pursuing authentic affection
I know love is found in his correction
I'm drowning in my desire to know the King.
He's the perfecter of my faith, he's my everything.

No situation can tear me down,
when God peace I have found
nothing can make me afraid
I've found that God has stayed

and I'm not afraid of radical romance
I'm pursuing authentic affection
I know love is found in his correction
I'm drowning in my desire to know the King.
He's the perfecter of my faith, he's my everything.

How it is, Yo! How it is...

God is my lover, and He's my King
He gives me all the insight that I need.
He'll direct me. I need not worry.
People are always in such a flippin' hurry!
I hate it! What if we wait? Just wait it out...
and stop trying to map God on our human route!
Wait, just wait and see how he wants to move.
the whole world gets lost in a selfish groove.
why are we so quick to make a decision?
it will make us loose sight, and loose the vision!
If we are always in a flippin' rush
we will miss the quiet moments, the heavenly crush
that we feel when we just slow it down,
and talk to God like he's the only one around.
We will miss out, we will miss out on the romance with Christ,
if we put all our energy into this meanlingless life
I want to pour myself out for eternal things!
like the salvation of the lost, and the joy that love brings!
I'm over it! People just move too quick
and light the flame too fast and ruin the candle stick.
I don't wanna rush God, I don't wanna take a leap
out into nowhere. He should be in the lead.
I'm over it! I'm over answering everyone's questions
maybe I need waiting time to learn some valuable lessons.
So I'm laying it down, I'm laying all of it down.
I'm waiting for God voice-- his beautiful sound.
It wouldn't matter if I traveled to the ends of the earth
if he doesn't want me there, then I've lost all worth!
cause I'm only here to do what he wills my life for!
and he hasn't spoken yet, so I'll wait some more.
He's the curve in my smile, he's the rest in my sleep.
and without him my life can't mean anything.
So I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm waiting.

When I believe that God loves me

I've been talking to God a lot today about my future. And I'm finding that I could laugh and have a good day and smile instead of feeling worried, anxious and gloomy about what's to come. The Lord has been dealing with me about trusting him, and I see that if I trust him, I don't have to worry, I don't have to figure it all out, and I don't have to try and make things happen in my life. HE IS MY LEADER. Ever since I've returned from Peru, I've had fear. I don't know why exactly, but I've been somewhat afraid. Afraid of losing, maybe. But, anyways, I don't know how to explain how I feel... all I know is this:

Lord,
because you love me
I trust you.
You're the everything that I desire
and I trust you.
You hold me and you don't let go;
I trust you.
You tell me things I do not know,
and I trust you.

I trust you because you do good things,
I trust you because your promises come to pass.
But most of all I trust you because you have good plans,
and because your plans are perfect, and they are for my good.
They are for my good because you love me!

Because you love me,
I trust you.

I trust you because you hold me
I trust you because you mold me
you mold me into someone beautiful
and I can't imagine being with anyone else than you.

I trust you.
And if I trust you,
then I'm okay with whatever life brings.

I trust you

because I believe that you love me,

and I believe that you care.

I trust you,

because you love me.

We Don't Want to Stop Talking

This is just something I wrote.

it leapt out of my heart, and then out of my throat.

We Don't Want to Stop Talking
by: Me. ;)

If only one person knows my heart than I am fine,
I call him my Beloved, and he calls me "mine."
And I love that when he says my name
I am healed from my brokeness, and free from my pain.

Then I'm not worried anymore about what others believe!
He's the everything I want and the everything I need.
He's my lover and my God and I desire to be his friend;
there's nothing in my life that his hand can not mend.

I've seen him move with power, and I've heard him weep.
I know that he is gracious, and I believe his love is deep--
deeper than the unknown places of the world
deeper than the waters in this wandering girl.

Oh, He's beautiful. Yeah, I call him beautiful! He is Grace!
I call him Perfect Maker, I beckon him to this place
where I am. I want him right where I am
I want to sit with him and chat until the A.M
I want to sit with him and chat until the P.M
until we loose track of time--then it's A.M again!!!!

And that's what he is to me--- the best friend I adore.
Whatever good you can think of--he is even more.
So much more, so much stronger than the enemies sweet talk
sometimes when I wake up, I just want to take a walk

and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk with my King.
until words just aren't enough so I burst out and sing
"I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! you're real!"
come and take me over until you are all I feel!
all that I feel inside my heart, so I can outpour with love,
oh dear God, you're all I'm asking for, you are enough."

I want to spread his kindness and I want to spread his truth
so then I cry out "Father! make me just like you!!!"
And he does, and he does, because he is faithful.
And he blesses, and he loves me, because he is able.
And so when people ask me, everyday, if I am fine...
I say "Yes! because the King looks at me and says 'she's mine'".

I am his! I am his! I am his! I am his! I am his!!
and the most powerful movement in the world is his kiss.

A song of my heart

This morning I wrote a song to be sung by two people--- It's a song between Jesus and His people. It's a song about the communication we have with God and what he wants to tell us, and then it's the realization that he is all we could ever want. When the song says H it's the human talking and G is God....

I hope you enjoy it! I wish I could sing it for you... it's better sung. I still might change some stuff in the second verse... but this is what it is right now:

Close

Verse 1:
Human: life can be a trial
it's strips away my smile
and all my sorrows drown me
and I can't see where you are

God: oh but child I'm right here
and I just caught every tear
and I'm wanting you to see
that you're not alone. I am close

Human: Oh How close are you?

God: Close enough to know
each thought and each yearn
so ask me what you you long for
tell me for what you burn


Chorus:

H: I long for a love that doesn't fail
G: I'll hold you on this trail
H: a love that doesn't fade
G: I promise I'll never turn away
H: a love that never hurts
G: do you know how much your worth?
I will never ever harm
just lean into my arms.
H: I lean into your heart
and I hear the beat of love.
Human and God: you are all I want.

Verse 2:

Human: Can't wait to spend the day
hearing what you say
taking a walk in the fields
waiting for you to reveal

God: reavel the love that overflows
I can't wait to bless you life
I can't wait to see you face to face
to place your hand in mine

Human: Yes. I believe you love me
I believe in the cross
but more than that I believe you are close.

God: How close?

Human: Close enough to know
your the desire of my soul
and all I'm asking for

Chorus:
H: is a love a love that doesn't fail
G: I'll hold you on this trail
H: a love that doesn't fade
G: I promise I'll never turn away
H: a love that never hurts
G: do you know how much your worth?
I will never ever harm
just lean into my arms.
H: I lean into your heart
and I hear the beat of love.
Human and God: you are all I want.


Bridge:
Human and God: there's so much to look forward to
and I'm waiting waiting just for you
to get to hold you in my arms
there so much to come
and I want to be the one
who gets to see your whole heart

Chorus:
H: I want a love that doens't fail....

GH: You are all I want....